Some Thoughts

I realized something the other day as I was driving home.  I have never really been in love with the way I look (pregnant or not).  But although I don't love every thing about my body, I don't want to look like anyone else.  I want to be me.  I want to look like me, but at my best, or better anyway.  This realization made me happy.  I am proud of what Heavenly Father has blessed me with, and I want to do my best to take care of it.

I have to be very careful to be in the world but not of the world.  For me what this means is choosing to expose myself to positive things, especially in the media.  I am not stupid.  I realize that TONS of awful twisted horrific and sad things happen every day, but I don't need to hear about them.  The only thing that accomplishes is spreading the terrible feelings those events cause.  I realize that I am probably more sensitive than most people when it comes to this.  It was to the point I was having nightmares and constant thoughts of horrible things happening.  I am choosing instead to focus on the good there is.  I end up happier, and I am better able to help those directly around me and help them be happy too.  And it is making all the difference to me :)

I always thought as I got older and time passed that the loss of my mother would get easier.  It has changed and the things that I miss are somewhat different, but the pain is still very real.  I don't think it will ever really disappear.  I will continue to wish she was by my side at times until the day I die.  I am very grateful for what I have been blessed with in her absence .  A wonderfully patient husband who loves me more than I can comprehend, my family who loves me, in-laws that love me, and some of the very dearest friends to have ever lived.  And my little ray of sunshine.  My life would be so empty without her.  I thank Heavenly Father every day for sending her to me and giving me the opportunity to be her mother and experience the joy she radiates.  I don't really know our son yet, but I am sure he will be a blessing in my life as well :)  I am also thankful for the good things my mother was and did.  She was far from perfect, but that's part of what makes me love her all the more. 

I am trying my best not to let things beyond my control stress me out and aggravate me.  Not knowing where we will be or what we will be doing in a few months is pretty unnerving.  But I have faith that with our hard work and Heavenly Fathers help, we will be where we should be.  Not knowing if I will be able to give birth to this baby through traditional means or have to have another c-section is another source of anxiety.  I have confidence in my Dr. and know that only time will reveal the real answer.  I am also trusting that my family and friends will be around to help and support me and my family whatever happens.

I am trying to enjoy the small and happy things that happen every day.  I LOVE seeing the sun shining outside.  I love hearing "I love you too much Mamma" from my silly girl.  I always get a burst of happiness from wonderful bright colors and fun patterns.  They make me excited and want to create things.  And I love watching my sweetheart be a daddy.   It is one of the things that makes me the very happiest every day.  And I am so grateful to my friends who seem to always be ready with a laugh and a smile :)